An outstanding mystery of dark matter physics is the lack of direct detection signals to date. We suggest that dark matter is scatophobic: due to a repulsive long-range interaction, it is repelled by objects with a large net scat charge, such as the Earth, and is therefore not able to reach direct detection experiments. This represents the first step in a broader theoretical paradigm that we dub the "anti-anthropic principle."

We aim at facilitating the visualization of astrophysical data for several tasks, such as uncovering patterns, presenting results to the community, and facilitating the understanding of complex physical relationships to the public. We present pastamarkers, a customized Python package fully compatible with matplotlib, that contains unique pasta-shaped markers meant to enhance the visualization of astrophysical data. We prove that using different pasta types as markers can improve the clarity of astrophysical plots by reproducing some of the most famous plots in the literature.

We present a new standard acronym for Active Galactic Nuclei, finally settling the argument of AGN vs. AGNs. Our new standard is not only etymologically superior (following the consensus set by SNe), but also boasts other linguistic opportunities, connecting strongly with relevant theology and streamlining descriptions of AGN properties.

The number of planets in the solar system over the last three centuries has, perhaps surprisingly, been less of a fixed value than one would think it should be. In this paper, we look at the specific case of Vulcan, which was both a planet before Pluto was a planet and discarded from being a planet before Pluto was downgraded. We examine the historical context that led to its discovery in the 19th century, the decades of observations that were taken of it, and its eventual fall from glory. By applying a more modern understanding of astrophysics, we provide multiple mechanisms that may have changed the orbit of Vulcan sufficiently that it would have been outside the footprint of early 20th century searches for it. Finally, we discuss how the April 8, 2024 eclipse provides a renewed opportunity to rediscover this lost planet after more than a century of having been overlooked.

In the seven years that the starship Voyager spent in the Delta Quadrant, it used many questionable techniques to engage with alien civilizations and ultimately find its way home. From detailed studies of their logs and opening credits, we simulate Voyager's practice of orbiting a planet, to examine the effect on planetary rings. We outline a feasible planetary system and simulate the extent to which its rings would be disrupted. We find that Voyager's orbit could inflate the height of the rings in the vicinity of the spacecraft by a factor of 2, as well as increase the relative speeds of neighboring planetesimals within the rings. This increase in ring thickness has the potential to alter shadows on any moons of this planet, impacting ring-shadow based religions. Additionally, the acceleration of these planetesimals could rival their gravity, bucking any alien inhabitants and their tiny civilizations off of their planetesimal homeworlds. Finally, we posit that due to increased collisions amongst the planetesimals (which may harbor tiny intelligent life) the trajectory of these civilizations may be forever altered, violating the prime directive.

Over the past decade, exoplanet atmospheric characterization has became what some might call the cosmology of astronomy. In an attempt to extract and understand the weak planetary signals (a few percent down to a few tens of ppm times that of their host-star signals), researchers have developed dozens of idealized planetary atmospheric models. Physical interpretations hinge on pretending that we understand stellar signals (as well behaved mostly temporarily static spherical cows), as well as planetary signals (as unidimensional objects, or sometimes quasi-multidimensional objects). The discovery of small and cool planets has lead to analyze planetary signals well below the designed photometric precision of current instrumentation. The challenge is up there, and keep us busy, so all is well. Here we present yet another open-source tool to analyze exoplanet data of time-series observations. The {\puppies} code is available via PyPI (\texttt{pip install exo-puppies}) and conda, the documentation is located at https://puppies.rtfd.io

Recently, cosmology has seen a surge in alternative models that purport to solve the discrepancy between the values of the Hubble constant $H_0$ as measured by cosmological microwave background anisotropies and local supernovae, respectively. In particular, many of the most successful approaches have involved varying fundamental constants, such as an alternative value of the fine structure constant and time-varying values of the electron mass, the latter of which showed particular promise as the strongest candidate in several earlier studies. Inspired by these approaches, in this paper, we investigate a cosmological model where the value of the geometric constant $\pi$ is taken to be a free model parameter. Using the latest CMB data from Planck as well as baryon-acoustic oscillation data, we constrain the parameters of the model and find a strong correlation between $\pi$ and $H_0$, with the final constraint $H_0 = 71.3 \pm 1.1 \ \mathrm{ km/s/Mpc}$, equivalent to a mere $1.5\sigma$ discrepancy with the value measured by the SH0ES collaboration. Furthermore, our results show that $\pi = 3.206 \pm 0.038$ at $95 \%$ C.L., which is in good agreement with several external measurements discussed in the paper. Hence, we conclude that the $\pi \Lambda$CDM model presented in this paper, which has only a single extra parameter, currently stands as the perhaps strongest solution to the Hubble tension.

A Total Solar Eclipse (TSE) is a shocking and sublime experience. In just a week hundreds of millions of Homo Sapiens will attempt to see the 2024 eclipse as it stretches across the North American continent. However, while Homo Sapiens may be uniquely positioned to understand and predict eclipses, they are not the only species capable of observing them. The precise alignment of the Moon, Earth and Sun all existed well before humans. In the same way we share this planet capable of hosting life, the fantastic astronomical experiences available on it are not exclusive either. We present a framework to calculate the number of Total Solar Eclipses experienced by a species at any point in Earth's history. This includes factoring in the evolution of the Sun-Moon-Earth system, the duration the species is extant, and average population. We normalize over the geographic range by calculating an Astronomical World Eclipse Surface cOverage MEtric (AWESOME) time. To illustrate this framework we look at the case study of the family Limulidae (Horseshoe Crabs) and estimate the number of individuals that have seen an eclipse. We compare it to the number of current Homo Sapiens that view eclipses, and predict if it is possible for another species to take the ''top'' spot before the final total solar eclipse in ~ 380 million years.

In recent years the James Webb Space Telescope has enabled the frontier of observational galaxy formation to push to ever higher redshift, deep within cosmic dawn. However, what is high-redshift, and when was cosmic dawn? While widely used, these terms (as well as many other confusing terms) are not consistently defined in the literature; this both hampers effective communication but also impedes our ability to precisely characterize and understand the phenomena under investigation. In this article we seek to address this issue of utmost importance. We begin by definitively defining terms such as ``high-redshift'', ``cosmic dawn'', etc. However, despite the rigorous definitions for them we present, both the adjective-based redshift and diurnal marker (time-of-day) division schemes suffer from issues including not being sufficiently granular, angering cosmologists, being arbitrary, and having a geocentric bias. To overcome these we introduce the \textit{redshiFt epOchs fOr everyboDy} (FOOD) framework, a revolutionary new division scheme based on eating occasions, i.e. meals.

The cosmic microwave background (CMB) radiation offers a unique avenue for exploring the early Universe's dynamics and evolution. In this paper, we delve into the fascinating realm of slow-roll inflation, contextualizing the primordial acoustic perturbations as the resonant echoes akin to the iconic sound of Chewbacca from the Star Wars universe. By extrapolating polynomial potentials for these primordial sounds, we illuminate their role in shaping the inflationary landscape. Leveraging this framework, we calculate the scalar spectral index ($n_s$) and tensor-to-scalar ratio ($r$), providing insights into the underlying physics governing the inflationary epoch. Employing a rigorous chi-square ($\chi^2$) analysis, we meticulously scrutinize the Planck data combined with that offered by the BICEP/Keck collaboration to identify the Chewbacca sound profile that best aligns with observational constraints. Our findings not only shed light on the intricate interplay between sound and cosmology but also unveil intriguing parallels between the cosmic symphony of the early universe and beloved cultural icons.

The Arago spot is an intensity maximum at the center of a shadow created by constructive interference of diffracted waves around a spherical object. While the study of diffraction patterns usually concerns visible light, de Broglie's wave nature of matter makes diffraction theory applicable for particles, such as neutrinos, as well. During a solar eclipse, some of the neutrinos emitted by the Sun are diffracted by the Moon, resulting in a diffraction pattern that can be observed on Earth. In this paper we consider the theoretically emerging solar neutrino Arago spot as a means to measure the location of the Moon with high accuracy and consider its implication on the orbit of the Moon given Heisenberg's uncertainty principle. Our results indicate that the Moon is not at immediate risk of orbital decoupling due to the observation of a solar neutrino Arago spot.

This paper argues why FLAMINGO (Fast Light Atmospheric Monitoring and Imaging Novel Gamma-ray Observatory) is the perfect name for an array of very-high-energy Cherenkov telescopes. Studies which indicate pink is the most suitable pigment for the structures of Cherenkov telescopes have passed with flying colors. Pink optimizes the absorption and reflectivity properties of the telescopes with respect to the characteristic blue color of the Cherenkov radiation emitted by high-energy particles in the atmosphere. In addition to giving the sensitivity a big leg up, a pink color scheme also adds a unique and visually appealing aspect to the project's branding and outreach efforts. FLAMINGO has a fun and memorable quality that can help to increase public engagement and interest in astrophysics and also help to promote diversity in the field with its colorful nature. In an era of increasingly unpronounceable scientific acronyms, we are putting our foot down. FLAMINGO is particularly fitting, as flamingos have eyesight optimized to detect small particles, aligning with the primary purpose of Cherenkov telescopes to detect faint signals from air showers. We should not wait in the wings just wishing for new name to come along: in FLAMINGO we have an acronym that both accurately reflects the science behind Cherenkov telescopes and provides a visually striking identity for the project. While such a sea change will be no easy feet, we are glad to stick our necks out and try: FLAMINGO captures the essence of what an array of Cherenkov telescopes represents and can help to promote the science to a wider audience. We aim to create an experiment and brand that people from all walks of life will flock to.

We critically examine the often-made observation that "quantum winter [or some other winter] is coming", and the related admonition to prepare for this or that winter, inevitably bound to arrive. What we find based on even the most superficial look at the available evidence is that such statements not only are overblown hype, but are also factually wrong: Winter is here, and the real question is rather for how long it/they will stay.

It is well known that the best way to understand astronomical data is through machine learning, where a "black box" is set up, inside which a kind of artificial intelligence learns how to interpret the features in the data. We suggest that perhaps there may be some merit to a new approach in which humans are used instead of machines to understand the data. This may even apply to fields other than astronomy.

I investigate the peculiar situation in which I find myself healthy and strong, with a darling family, stimulating job, top-notch dental plan, and living far from active war and wildfire zones -- yet perpetually ill at ease and prone to sudden-onset exasperation when absolutely nothing has happened. My triggers include dinner parties, chairs, therapists, and shopping at Costco. In analysing this phenomenon, I consider epigenetics, the neuroscience of neuroticism, and possible environmental factors such as NSF grant budgets. Yet no obvious solution emerges. Fortunately, my affliction isn't really all that serious. In fact, it's good writing material. So while I'm open to better ideas, I figure I'll just continue being like this.

It has long been accepted that the cosmos determine our personalities, relationships, and even our fate. Unlike our condensed matter colleagues - who regularly use quantum mechanics to determine the healing properties of crystals - astrology techniques have been unchanged since the 19th century. In this paper, we discuss how astrophysical messengers beyond starlight can be used to predict the future and excuse an $\mathcal{O}(1)$ fraction of our negative personality traits.

In the last few decades, reading the literature, we realized that we Astronomers have a strong preference to undertake very ambitious projects, and search for answers to the most fundamental questions in the history of the entire Universe. After running multiple times into such cardinal quest, the curiosity became no more sustainable and we had to find out. To our greater surprise, in the last few decades we had been restlessly participating to this superhuman endevour. Therefore we hereby explore the roots and grounds of this fundamental search, through the past decades, centuries and millennia.

We studied the predictive power of daily animal sightings on site work outcomes at the Polarbear and Simons Array experiment site in the Atacama Desert, Chile. Specifically, we observed the number of viscacha and vicuna sightings during a two-month period, totaling 31 observation days, and analyzed their relationship with site work outcomes using machine learning techniques. Our results show that there was no significant correlation between the number of animal sightings and site work outcomes. The feather importance score for viscacha and vicuna were 0.71068 and 0.057762, respectively. Future research may include expanding the analysis to include other animal species, investigating the impact of human activity on site work outcomes, and exploring alternative machine learning models or statistical techniques.

We argue that the reported cases of Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) are most likely due to the impact of the human body with an extremely high energy particle like cosmic rays or Dark Matter. Normal and antimatter cosmic rays and classical weakly-interacting massive particles (WIMPs) with energies of GeV to ZeV can be easily ruled out due to their inability to dump enough energy into a small region of human tissue, leaving as the single remaining candidate massive Dark Matter particles. While primordial Black Holes would appear to be very good candidates for inducing the SHC phenomenon, we show that the estimated local Dark Matter density requires that the particles have masses of $\sim 10$\,kg, clearly ruling out this candidate. All of the other classic DM candidates -- from scalar and pseudo-scalar spin 1/2 and spin 2 gauge singlets to nuclearitic strange quark ``bowling balls'' -- can be ruled out. Axions tailored to solve the CP-problem also cannot be invoked, no matter what mass is considered. The only particles left are massive mega-axions (MaMAs), for which there are an infinite number of possible string models.

We observe neither life beyond Earth, nor moons around exoplanets, despite the prevalence of Earth-like planets across the galaxy. We suggest Moonfall as a possible mechanism to explain both simultaneously.

I solve the problem of nomenclature of planets, stars, and moons, and in doing so repair two of the IAU's blunders. Drawing and improving upon foundational work by Chen & Kipping, I describe a single, physics-based taxonomy that christens all objects in hydrostatic equilibrium as "stars," a category that contains several subcategories based on the relevant pressure terms in the equation of state. I also acknowledge dynamical considerations, which allow me to describe a single designation scheme for all "stars" following the Washington Multiplicity Catalog convention. Under this unified scheme, what we used to call "Planet Earth" is now the moon rock "star" Sun Da.

In what will likely be a litany of generative-model-themed arXiv submissions celebrating April the 1st, we evaluate the capacity of state-of-the-art transformer models to create a paper detailing the detection of a Pulsar Wind Nebula with a non-existent Imaging Atmospheric Cherenkov Telescope (IACT) Array. We do this to evaluate the ability of such models to interpret astronomical observations and sources based on language information alone, and to assess potential means by which fraudulently generated scientific papers could be identified during peer review (given that reliable generative model watermarking has yet to be deployed for these tools). We conclude that our jobs as astronomers are safe for the time being. From this point on, prompts given to ChatGPT and Stable Diffusion are shown in orange, text generated by ChatGPT is shown in black, whereas analysis by the (human) authors is in blue.

Humans like to party, and New Year celebrations are a great way to do that. However New Years celebrations that rely on an orbital year don't line up with those that use a Lunar Calendar, as there are currently 12.368 synodic months (moonths) in a year. There is cyclostratigraphic, paleontological, and tidal rhythmite data that reveal that over billions of years the interplay of angular momentum between the Sun, Earth and Moon has changed the rate of rotation of Earth, and at the same time evolved the orbit of the Moon, and therefore the length of a Lunar month. Using a subset of this data and referencing literature models of the Moon's orbital evolution, we create our own simple model to determine "True Happy New Years", time periods when there were an integer number of lunar synodic months in an Earth orbital year. This would allow modern calendars to pick a shared New Year's Day, and party accordingly. We then predict the next True Happy New Year to be in 252 million years, and offer suggestions to begin the party planning process early, so that we as a planet may be ready.

We attempt to review all trustworthy and well-controlled de Sitter compactifications of string theory.

How many gravitational-wave observations from compact object mergers have we seen to date? This seemingly simple question has a surprisingly complex answer that even ChatGPT struggles to answer. To shed light on this, we present a database with the literature's answers to this question. We find values spanning 67-100 for the number of detections from double compact object mergers to date, emphasizing that the exact number of detections is uncertain and depends on the chosen data analysis pipeline and underlying assumptions. We also review the number of gravitational-wave detections expected in the coming decades with future observing runs, finding values up to millions of detections per year in the era of Cosmic Explorer and Einstein Telescope. We present a publicly available code to visualize the detection numbers, highlighting the exponential growth in gravitational-wave observations in the coming decades and the exciting prospects of gravitational-wave astrophysics. See http://www.broekgaarden.nl/floor/wordpress/elementor-967/. We plan to keep this database up-to-date and welcome comments and suggestions for additional references.

The lower limit on the chicken density function (CDF) of the observable Universe was recently determined to be approximately 10$^{-21}$ chickens pc$^{-3}$. For over a year, however, the scientific community has struggled to determine the upper limit to the CDF. Here we aim to determine a reasonable upper limit to the CDF using multiple observational constraints. We take a holistic approach to considering the effects of a high CDF in various domains, including the Solar System, interstellar medium, and effects on the cosmic microwave background. We find the most restrictive upper limit from the domains considered to be 10$^{23}$ pc$^{-3}$, which ruffles the feathers of long-standing astrophysics theory.

I employ an optimization-based inference methodology together with an Ising model, in an intentionally ineffectual manner, to get away with murdering an obstreperous scientific collaborator. The antics of this collaborator, hereafter "Conan O'Brien," were impeding the publication of an important manuscript. With my tenure date looming, I found myself desperate. Luckily, I study inference, a computational means to find a solution to a physical problem, based on available measurements (say, a dead body) and a dynamical model assumed to give rise to those measurements (a murderer). If the measurements are insufficient and/or the model is incomplete, one obtains multiple "degenerate" solutions to the problem. Degenerate solutions are all equally valid given the information available, and thus render meaningless the notion of one "correct" solution. Typically in scientific research, degeneracy is undesirable. Here I describe the opposite situation: a quest to create degenerate solutions in which to cloak myself. Or even better: to render measurements incompatible with a solution in which I am the murderer. Moreover, I show how one may sabotage an inference procedure to commit an untraceable crime. I sit here now, typing victoriously, a free woman. Because you won't believe me anyway. And even if you do, you'll never prove a thing.

What's in a name, a poet once asked. To which we present this work, where we investigate the importance of a paper title in ensuring its best outcome. We queried astronomy papers using NASA ADS and ranked 6000 of them in terms of cheekiness level. We investigate the correlation between citation counts and (i) the presence of a colon, and (ii) cheekiness ranking. We conclude that colon matters in the anatomy of a paper title. So does trying to be cheeky, but we find that too much cheekiness can lead to cringefests. Striking the right balance is therefore crucial. May we recommend aiming for a level 4 cheekiness on a scale of 1-5.

Here, we present a simple solution to problems that have plagued (extra)"galactic" astronomers and cosmologists over the last century. We show that "galaxy" formation, dark matter, and the tension in the expansion of the universe can all be explained by the natural behaviors of an overwhelmingly large population of exoplanets throughout the universe. Some of these ideas have started to be proposed in the literature, and we commend these pioneers revolutionizing our understanding of astrophysics. Furthermore, we assert that, since planets are obviously the ubiquitous answer to every current question that can be posed by astronomers, planetary science must then be the basis for all science, and therefore that all current funding for science be reserved for (exo)planetary science - we happily welcome all astronomers and other scientists.

The enigmatic open clusters serve as a constant reminder of the mysteries of the universe, helping to confront astronomical theories. Unknown to many, these clusters often possess tails with inappropriate labels, serving as the tell-tale signs of their historical journey. But unlike typical tails, these extensions can either precede or follow the body, yet they consistently unfold a cosmic mystery to be solved. I present a succinct survey of this subject matter, detailing the intrepid efforts of astronomers who have dared to challenge our knowledge about these creatures, and offer a novel proposal for their nomenclature, while not disregarding the philosophical ramifications.

The search for exoplanets has become a focal point of astronomical research, captivating public attention and driving scientific inquiry; however, the rush to confirm exoplanet discoveries has often overlooked potential alternative explanations leading to a scientific consensus that is overly reliant on untested assumptions and limited data. We argue that the evidence in support of exoplanet observation is not necessarily definitive and that alternative interpretations are not only possible, but necessary. Our conclusion is therefore concise: exoplanets do not exist. Here, we present the framework for a novel type of cuboid star, or squar, which can precisely reproduce the full range of observed phenomena in stellar light curves, including the trapezoidal flux deviations (TFDs) often attributed to "exoplanets." In this discovery paper, we illustrate the power of the squellar model, showing that the light curve of the well-studied "exoplanet" WASP-12b can be reconstructed simply from a rotating squar with proportions $1:1/8:1$, without invoking ad-hoc planetary bodies. Our findings cast serious doubt on the validity of current "exoplanetary" efforts, which have largely ignored the potential role of squars and have instead blindly accepted the exoplanet hypothesis without sufficient critical scrutiny. In addition, we discuss the sociopolitical role of climate change in spurring the current exoplanet fervor which has lead to the speculative state of "exoplanetary science" today. We strongly urge the astronomical community to take our model proposal seriously and treat its severe ramifications with the utmost urgency to restore rationality to the field of astronomy.

With the proliferation of online Zoom meetings as a means of doing science in the 2020s, astronomers have made new and unexpected Target of Opportunity (ToO) observations. Chief among these ToOs are observations of exop(lan)ets, or "exopets." Building on the work of Mayorga et al. (2021) - whose work characterized the rotational variations of "floofy" objects - we model exopets using methods similar to those used for exoplanetary transits. We present data collected for such exopet Zoom transits through a citizen science program in the month of February 2022. The dataset includes parameters like exopet color, floofiness, transit duration, and percentage of Zoom screen covered during the event. For some targets, we also present microlensing and direct imaging data. Using results from our modelling of 62 exopet observations as transits, microlensing, and direct imaging events, we discuss our inferences of exopet characteristics like their masses, sizes, orbits, colors, and floofiness.

Despite all its well-known flaws and calls for its dismissal, the notorious $h$-index is still used in many instances when awarding grants, or promoting and hiring scientists. To address this, I set out to devise a better index, with the twofold aim of taking into account the authors' respective contributions and considerably reducing the pollution of the scientific literature. Finally, I present a strategy that is guaranteed to be best for all researchers.

I present for your appraisal three independent cases of the manuscript referee process conducted by a venerable peer-reviewed scientific journal. Each case involves a little pig, who submitted for consideration a theoretical plan for a house to be constructed presently, in a faraway land. An anonymous big bad wolf was assigned by the journal to assess the merit of these manuscripts. The pigs proposed three distinct construction frameworks, which varied in physical and mathematical sophistication. The first little pig submitted a model of straw, based on the numerical method of toe-counting. His design included odd features, such as spilled millet and cloven-hoofprints on the window sill -- possibly a ploy to distract the wolf from the manuscript's facile mathematical foundation. The second little pig used a more advanced approach, employing Newton's classical laws of motion, to propose a house of sticks. This pig included in her manuscript copious citations by a specific wolf, possibly aiming to ensure acceptance by flattering the wolf whom she anticipated would be the referee. The third little pig described an ostentatious house of bricks based on an elaborate dynamical systems and stability analysis, possibly scheming to dazzle and impress. The big bad wolf did not appear moved by any of the pigs' tactics. His recommendations were, for straw: the minor revision of water-proofing; for sticks: the major revision of fire-proofing, given concerns surrounding climate change; for bricks: unequivocal rejection, accompanied by multiple derogatory comments regarding "high-and-mighty theorists." I describe each case in detail, and suggest that the wolf's reports might be driven as much by self interest as the manuscripts themselves -- namely, that at the time the wolf wrote the reviews, he was rather hungry. Finally, I examine morals learned, if any.

It has previously been suggested that the rate of exoplanet discovery, doubling roughly every 39 months, is indicative of a runaway increase in the number of exoplanets in our galaxy. In this paper, we posit that - due to the finite nature of space in the milky way - it will become increasingly likely that one of these exoplanets will be found within our solar system. We calculate the odds of this occurring pass 50\% on Friday 9th December 2146. We go on to suggest novel methods for influencing where this exoplanet may be discovered, note possible drawbacks of the discovery, and finally explore how the previously-hypothesized `exoplanet singularity' (both figurative and literal) could be averted.

The draw for the 2022 FIFA World Cup has been organised before the identity of three winners of the play-offs is revealed. Seeding has been based on the FIFA World Ranking released on 31 March 2022 but these three teams have been drawn from the weakest Pot 4. We show that the official seeding policy does not balance the difficulty levels of the groups to the extent possible: a better alternative would have been to assign the placeholders according to the highest-ranked potential winner, similar to the rule used in the UEFA Champions League qualification. Our simulations reinforce that this is the best strategy in general to create balanced groups in the FIFA World Cup.

Though it may be a behavior that has been observed and documented for millennia, and despite the connection between it and the full moon, the astronomical community has afforded very little attention to lycanthropy. We hope to address this deficiency by using the population of known exoplanets as a natural experiment to better characterize what properties of the moon are necessary to trigger a transformation into a werewolf. We additionally investigate which exoplanets are most likely to have exomoons which may cause werewolves, with a particular focus on LHS 1140 b. We also propose a new mission called the Werewolves From Infrared Radiation and Spectral-typing Telescope, or WFIRST, in order to better characterize exoplanetary systems. This will allow us to explore the impact of stellar type on lycanthropy more than it has traditionally been considered. We believe this represents a major step forward in our understanding and recognition of the burgeoning field of exocryptozoology.

The novel coronavirus, dubbed COVID-19, upended our lives may be in irreversible ways during its initial spread throughout the world in March 2020. It forced us all, willingly or unwillingly, to keep social distance from each other to slow down the spread of COVID-19. As scientists, we started speculating what kind of separation is between the constitutes of different objects in the Universe. In this work, we study the "social" distance between elements inside various objects, no matter their size, mass, and nature. We consider things ranging from diamond, baseball to Saturn, asteroid belt or M87 Black Hole, to name a few. We show our results in the form of a fascinating mass/"social" distance plot, where a cool cartoon figure represents each object.

We give conditions for an exoplanetary system to function as an ideal amusement park/vacation resort (with its separate parking lot, of course); in case of massive human interplanetary colonization. Our considerations stem from the fact that an amusement park needs a parking lot of roughly the same surface area, thus the best option for its construction would be a system with at least 2 planets close to each other for easy tourist transportation. We also discuss the likelihood of finding such a system out there to cut down on construction costs.

$\textit{The Bachelor}$ is a reality TV dating show in which a single bachelor selects his wife from a pool of approximately 30 female contestants over eight weeks of filming (American Broadcasting Company 2002). We collected the following data on all 422 contestants that participated in seasons 11 through 25: their Age, Hometown, Career, Race, Week they got their first 1-on-1 date, whether they got the first impression rose, and what "place" they ended up getting. We then trained three machine learning models to predict the ideal characteristics of a successful contestant on $\textit{The Bachelor}$. The three algorithms that we tested were: random forest classification, neural networks, and linear regression. We found consistency across all three models, although the neural network performed the best overall. Our models found that a woman has the highest probability of progressing far on $\textit{The Bachelor}$ if she is: 26 years old, white, from the Northwest, works as an dancer, received a 1-on-1 in week 6, and did not receive the First Impression Rose. Our methodology is broadly applicable to all romantic reality television, and our results will inform future $\textit{The Bachelor}$ production and contestant strategies. While our models were relatively successful, we still encountered high misclassification rates. This may be because: (1) Our training dataset had fewer than 400 points or (2) Our models were too simple to parameterize the complex romantic connections contestants forge over the course of a season.

There is a popular myth transferred from generation to generation related to the festivity of the Valencian Fallas. During these days, it is traditional to throw pyrotechnic devices of all kinds. There is a legend about the so-called drunk fireworks, small rockets that move randomly at high speed. According to folk wisdom, if you try to run away from a drunk firework, it will chase you until it hits you. It is performed a Monte Carlo simulation without considering aerodynamic effects to see if there is indeed a greater chance of a person being hit when moving. The results indicate that the popular myth is correct, at least in terms of having a higher probability of impact. Once again, it is demonstrated that popular myths can be a source of valuable knowledge beyond formal science.

Caffeination can open tired eyes and enhance focus. Over-caffeination, furthermore, can lead to errors but also to unexpected discoveries that might not have happened without 30 hours of sleep deprivation and 500mg of caffeine in our bodies. This paper presents exactly such a discovery. Upon much staring into our coffee cups, empty anew, the thought struck us: coffee in space. Caffeine may not be the only key. HL Tau, Taurus, bull... Taurine! We grinded some red bourbon for a new pour-over, and developed the new, coffee-groundsbreaking Large Astrocomical Taurine Tester Experiment (LATTE) in just 1/4 of a day. We felt bull-ish about our chances of making a great discovery! We installed LATTE, aimed it at the well-known young star HL Tau, and there it was: an abundance of taurine gas beautifully outlining a cup of cosmic flat white, with the ring structure of HL Tau turning out to be latte art performed by a skillful cosmic barista. The first Robusta discovery of coffee in space. Speaking of coffee, we hope you have a nice hot cup with you, and we encourage you to pun-tinue all the way to the end of this bean-grinding paper.

The statistical physics of phase transitions has been hugely successful at describing numerous natural, physical, and technological phenomena, and now a rigorous examination of the phase space of the culinary regime is likewise ripe for the picking. Despite great demand for the resolution of many scientific debates over the taxonomy of food, past attempts have failed to account for complex phase behavior and co-existence, and have thus left the public hungry for a more substantial theory. By applying the principles of statistical physics and thermodynamics, we here map out the complete phase space of all culinary dishes and find three distinct phase regimes: Soup, Salad, and Sandwich. We consider the effect of different state variables on these phase boundaries, as well as regions of co-existence and triple points. With this complete 3-dimensional phase diagram of all foods, we can conclusively answer many bitter debates, including the imperishable question "is a hotdog a sandwich?" The answer: yes.

Dark matter models can be classified according to their impact on the properties of galaxies, including cold dark matter (CDM), warm dark matter (WDM), self-interacting dark matter (SIDM) and fuzzy dark matter (FDM). In celebration of April Fool's Day, and also of the 1-year anniversary of the start of the 2022 volcanic eruption at Fagradalsfjall here in Iceland, we explore fresh lava as a candidate for WDM specifically. We verify first hand that lava is indeed warm (exhibits free-streaming and retains temperature for several months after the eruption ends, is 1000K, sets fire to grass, can feel one's eyebrows singe at a distance of 4m) and dark once sufficiently decoupled from its source of production.

Using sedimentary and eclipse-based measurements of the lunar recession velocity, we derive a new local-Universe measurement of the Hubble constant ($H_0$) from the recession rate of Earth's Moon. Taking into account the effects of tides, we find a value of $H_{0}$ = 63.01 $\pm$ 1.79 km s$^{-1}$ Mpc$^{-1}$, which is in approximate agreement with the Planck space mission's measurement using the cosmic microwave background (CMB) and base $\Lambda$CDM. Our new measurement represents the first ever model-independent, single-step measurement of the Universe's current expansion rate. This is also the first major local Universe measurement of $H_0$ which is below the measurement from Planck. Importantly, it is robust to the systematic errors that may be present in other $H_0$ measurements using other cosmological probes such as type Ia supernovae, baryon acoustic oscillations, or lensed quasars. Our work provides key evidence towards the notion that the existing Hubble tension may indeed be a result of systematic uncertainties in the local distance ladder.

The digital age has sparked a revival in the use of "dark mode" (DM) design in many everyday applications as well as text editors and integrated developer environments. We present the case for adding a DM theme to astronomical journals, including a modified class file that generates the theme you see here as a potential option. DM themes have many beneficial attributes to a user such as saving battery power and reducing screen burn-in on devices with OLED screens, increasing figure hopping efficiency, pairing well with colorblind-friendly palettes, and limiting rhodopsin loss while observing. We analyzed iPoster design trends from AAS 237 and 238 to gauge the possible reception of our DM theme, and we estimate that at least 35%, but likely closer to 42%, of the community would welcome this addition to journals. There are some drawbacks to using a DM theme when reading papers, including increased ink usage when reading in a print medium and some diminished legibility and comprehension in low-light conditions. While these issues are not negligible, we believe they can be mitigated, especially with a paired submission of both a DM and traditional, "light mode" manuscript. It is also likely that many of us will become better astronomers as a result of adding DM to journals.

All the news that's (un)fit to publish.

The last 25 years have been revolutionary in astronomy, as the field of exoplanets has gone from no known planets outside the Solar System to thousands discovered over the last year few years. This represents a rapid increase not just in known planets (often referred to as Mamajek's Law), but also in total planetary mass. What has been heretofore unaddressed, however, is that this rapid increase in planetary masses may have disastrous consequences for the future of humanity. We look at how the number of planets, and more importantly, the mass of these planets has changed in the past and how we can expect this to change in the future. The answers to those questions, and how we respond to them, will determine if humanity is able to survive beyond the next 230 years.

My cat Chester investigates the elusive relationship between the appearance in my hand of a silver laser pointer and that of a red dot on the wall, or on the floor, or on any other object that resides within the vicinity of the laser pointer. Chester first assesses preliminary establishments for causality, including mutual information, temporal precedence, and control for third variables. These assessments are all inconclusive for various reasons. In particular, mutual information fails to illuminate the problem due to a dearth of information regarding what the laser pointer might have been doing at times following Chester's first awareness of the dot. Next Chester performs a formal reconstruction of phase space via time-delay embedding, to unfold the gggggggggggfffgfgtredvteometry ,mmmm.........,.,,......,.mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm of the underlying dynamical system giving rise to the red dot's trajectory. The resulting attractor does not resemble a laser pointer. The reconstruction could, however, be flawed, for example, due to the short temporal duration of the dot's observed trajectory. Finally, the red dot could be a hallucination: a symptom brought on by COVID-19 - because, well, these days pretty much anything might be a symptom brought on by COVID-19. On this note, Chester's kitten brother Mad Dog Lapynski offers an independent check on the red dot's existence. Moreover, the results of this study are inconclusive and ca[pokilki[[[[[ll for follow-up.

Using Gaia EDR3, we study the most spectacular and photogenic cluster of Ptolemy. After deriving its membership, we identify in its colour-magnitude diagram a star that definitively decided to straggle and dress in blue. Further analysis with the FARCE telescope allows us to discover in its light curve the secret of its rejuvenation, which we gladly share in this paper. This research is an important contribution to attain the ultimate goal of astronomy as professed by DJ Format.

As a modern musician and cultural icon, Taylor Swift has earned worldwide acclaim via pieces which predominantly draw upon the complex dynamics of personal and interpersonal experiences. Here we show, for the first time, how Swift's lyrical and melodic structure have evolved in their representation of emotions over a timescale of $\tau\sim14$ yr. Previous progress on this topic has been challenging based on the sheer volume of the relevant discography, and that uniquely identifying a song that optimally describes a hypothetical emotional state represents a multi-dimensional and complex task. To quantify the emotional state of a song, we separate the criteria into the level of optimism ($H$) and the strength of commitment to a relationship ($R$), based on lyrics and chordal tones. We apply these criteria to a set of 149 pieces spanning almost the entire repertoire. We find an overall trend toward positive emotions in stronger relationships, with a best-fit linear relationship of $R=0.642^{+0.086}_{-0.053}H-1.74^{+0.39}_{-0.29}$. We find no significant trends in mean happiness ($H$) within individual albums over time. The mean relationship score ($R$) shows trends which we speculate may be due to age and the global pandemic. We provide tentative indications that partners with blue eyes and/or bad reputations may lead to overall less positive emotions, while those with green or indigo-colored eyes may produce more positive emotions and stronger relationships. However, we stress that these trends are based on small sample sizes, and more data are necessary to validate them. Finally, we present the taylorswift python package which can be used to optimize song selection according to a specific mood.

Phase resolved observations of planetary bodies allow us to understand the longitudinal and latitudinal variations that make each one unique. Rotational variations have been detected in several types of astronomical bodies beyond those of planetary mass, including asteroids, brown dwarfs, and stars. Unexpected rotational variations, such as those presented in this work, reminds us that the universe can be complicated, with more mysteries to uncover. In this work we present evidence for a new class of astronomical objects we identify as "floofy" with observational distinctions between several sub-types of these poorly understood objects. Using optical observations contributed by the community, we have identified rotational variation in several of these floofy objects, which suggests that they may have strong differences between their hemispheres, likely caused by differing reflectivity off their surfaces. Additional sub-types show no rotational variability suggesting a uniform distribution of reflective elements on the floofy object. While the work here is a promising step towards the categorization of floofy objects, further observations with more strictly defined limits on background light, illumination angles, and companion objects are necessary to develop a better understanding of the many remaining mysteries of these astronomical objects.

I conjecture an upper bound on the number of possible swampland conjectures by comparing the entropy required by the conjectures themselves to the Beckenstein-Hawking entropy of the cosmological horizon. Assuming of order 100 kilobits of entropy per conjecture, this places an upper bound of order $10^{117}$ on the number of conjectures. I estimate the rate of production of swampland conjectures by the number of papers listed on INSPIRE with the word "swampland" in the title or abstract, which has been showing approximately exponential growth since 2014. At the current rate of growth, the entropy bound on the number of swampland conjectures can be projected to be saturated on a timescale of order $10^{-8} H_0^{-1}$. I compare the upper bound from the Swampland Conjecture Bound Conjecture (SCBC) to the estimated number of vacua in the string landscape. Employing the duality suggested by AdS/CFT between the quantum complexity of a holographic state and the volume of a Wheeler-Dewitt spacetime patch, I place a conservative lower bound of order $\mathcal{N}_H > 10^{263}$ on the number of Hubble volumes in the multiverse which must be driven to heat death to fully explore the string landscape via conjectural methods.

Before Brexit, one of the greatest causes of arguments amongst British families was the question of the nature of Jaffa Cakes. Some argue that their size and host environment (the biscuit aisle) should make them a biscuit in their own right. Others consider that their physical properties (e.g. they harden rather than soften on becoming stale) suggest that they are in fact cake. In order to finally put this debate to rest, we re-purpose technologies used to classify transient events. We train two classifiers (a Random Forest and a Support Vector Machine) on 100 recipes of traditional cakes and biscuits. Our classifiers have 95 percent and 91 percent accuracy respectively. Finally we feed two Jaffa Cake recipes to the algorithms and find that Jaffa Cakes are, without a doubt, cakes. Finally, we suggest a new theory as to why some believe Jaffa Cakes are biscuits.

A small group of postdocs, graduate students, and undergraduates inadvertently formed a longitudinal study contrasting expected productivity levels with actual productivity levels. Over the last nine months, our group self-reported 559 tasks, dates, and completion times -- expected and actual. Here, I show which types of tasks we are the worst at completing in the originally planned amount of time (spoiler: coding and writing tasks), whether more senior researchers have more accurate expectations (spoiler: not much), and whether our expectations improve with time (spoiler: only a little).

We propose a novel mechanism for the production of dark matter (DM) from a thermal bath, based on the idea that DM particles $\chi$ can transform heat bath particles $\psi$: $\chi \psi \rightarrow \chi \chi$. For a small initial abundance of $\chi$ this leads to an exponential growth of the DM number density, in close analogy to other familiar exponential growth processes in nature. We demonstrate that this mechanism complements freeze-in and freeze-out production in a generic way, opening new parameter space to explain the observed DM abundance, and we discuss observational prospects for such scenarios.

We revisit our 2013 claim [arXiv:1303.7476] that the Universe is the result of a conspiratorial plot, and find that it cannot be trusted, because even the belief in this conspiracy likely results from a conspiracy. On the basis of mathematical beauty, the final results of the Planck mission, the exploration of the dark sector by means of occult rituals and symbols, and a powerful new philosophical approach to physics, we demonstrate here that not only the existence of our Universe but the whole concept of reality has to be rejected as obsolete and generally misleading. By introducing the new concept of the "anthropogenic principle", we eventually illuminate the darkest corners of the conspiracy behind the conspiracy and briefly discuss some important implications regarding the survival of wo*mankind.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single human in possession of a good space telescope, must be in search of a space vampire. Here, we showcase our search for transit signatures of tidally locked space vampires, trapped in the gravitational pull of late M-dwarfs. We generate forward models representing two potential space vampire populations - those in bat shape and those in humanoid shape. We search lightcurves from the Transiting Exo-Vampire Survey Satellite (TEvSS) using a template matching algorithm and fit them using our allesfitter software. Adding the information gained from TEvSS data, we greatly decrease the uncertainty for the existence and occurrence rates of space vampires, and constrain eta(space vampire) to a range of 0% to 100% (or more). These precise analyses will be crucial for optimizing future observing schedules for space-vampire characterization with the James Webb Space-Vampire Telescope (JWSvT) and the Extremely-Large-Vampire Telescopes (ELvTs).

In the course of doing astronomy, one often encounters plots of densities, for example probability densities, flux densities, and mass functions. Quite frequently the ordinate of these diagrams is plotted logarithmically to accommodate a large dynamic range. In this situation, I argue that it is critical to adjust the density appropriately, rather than simply setting the x-scale to `log' in your favorite plotting code. I will demonstrate the basic issue with a pedagogical example, then mention a few common plots where this may arise, and finally some possible exceptions to the rule.

A long-standing problem of observing Room Temperature Superconductivity is finally solved by a novel approach. Instead of increasing the critical temperature Tc of a superconductor, the temperature of the room was decreased to an appropriate Tc value. We consider this approach more promising for obtaining a large number of materials possessing Room Temperature Superconductivity in the near future.

We employ simulated annealing to identify the global solution of a dynamical model, to make a favorable impression upon colleagues at the departmental holiday party and then exit undetected as soon as possible. The procedure, Gradual Freeze-out of an Optimal Estimation via Optimization of Parameter Quantification - GFOOEOPQ, is designed for the socially awkward. The socially awkward among us possess little instinct for pulling off such a maneuver, and may benefit from a machine to do it for us. The method rests upon Bayes' Theorem, where the probability of a future model state depends on current knowledge of the model. Here, model state vectors are party attendees, and the future event of interest is their disposition toward us at times following the party. We want these dispositions to be favorable. To this end, we first interact so as to make favorable impressions, or at least ensure that these people remember having seen us there. Then we identify the exit that minimizes the chance that anyone notes how early we high-tailed it. Now, poorly-resolved estimates will correspond to degenerate solutions. As noted, we possess no instinct to identify a global optimum by ourselves. This can have disastrous consequences. For this reason, GFOOEOPQ employs annealing to iteratively home in on this optimum. The method is illustrated via a simulated event hosted by someone in the physics department (I am not sure who), in a two-bedroom apartment on the fifth floor of an elevator building in Manhattan, with viable Exit parameters: front door, side door to a stairwell, fire escape, and a bathroom window that opens onto the fire escape. Preliminary tests are reported at two real social celebrations. The procedure is generalizable to corporate events and family gatherings. Readers are encouraged to report novel applications of GFOOEOPQ, to expand the algorithm.

Exploring the Universe is one of the great unifying themes of humanity. Part of this endeavour is the search for extraterrestrial life. But how likely is it that we will find life, or that if we do it will be similar to ourselves? And therefore how do we know where and how to look? We give examples of the sort of reasoning that has been used to narrow and focus this search and we argue that obvious extensions to that logical framework will result in greater success.

A mission to the focus of the solar gravitational lens could produce images with unprecedented angular resolution and sensitivity. In the context of trying to resolve the time variable thermal signature of continents on other Earth-like exoplanets, we develop an approach to improve the image reconstruction performance by using azimuthal variations in the Einstein Ring's intensity. In the first post-Newtonian approximation to General Relativity, an arbitrary disk intensity distribution in the source plane is mapped to a narrow annulus around the Einstein Ring, with each azimuthal element corresponding to a sector in the disk. A matrix-based linear measurement model at various fixed signal-to-noise ratios demonstrates that this extra information is useful in improving the reconstruction when the image is sparsely sampled, which could improve integration times and temporal errors. Various issues and future outlooks are discussed.

In this paper we assess the correlation between recent observing runs (2018 and 2019) and inclement weather, and demonstrate that these observing runs have seen much more rainfall than would otherwise be expected, an increase of over 200%. We further look at a number of observatory sites in areas that are facing or will face drought, and suggest that a strong environmental benefit would follow from telescope allocation committees providing us an inordinate amount of telescope time at facilities located around the globe.

Since the discovery of the first confirmed exoplanet, observations have revealed a remarkable diversity of worlds. A wide variety of orbital and physical characteristics are detected in the exoplanet population, and much work has been devoted to deciding which of these planets may be suitable for life. Until now, though, little work has been devoted to deciding which of the potentially habitable planets might actually be \textit{worth} existing on. To this end, we present the Really Habitable Zone (RHZ), defined as the region around a star where acceptable gins and tonic are likely to be abundant. In common with much of the work in the field, we rely throughout on assumptions which are difficult if not impossible to test and present some plots which astronomers can use in their own talks, stripped of all caveats. We suggest that planets in the Really Habitable Zone be early targets for the JWST, because by the time that thing finally launches we're all going to need a drink.

Godwin's law, i.e. the empirical observation that as an online discussion grows in time, the probability of a comparison with Nazis or Hitler quickly approaches unity, is one of the best-documented facts of the internet. Anticipating the quantum internet, here we show under reasonable model assumptions a polynomial quantum speedup of Godwin's law. Concretely, in quantum discussions, Hitler will be mentioned on average quadratically earlier, and we conjecture that under specific network topologies, even cubic speedups are possible. We also show that the speedup cannot be more than exponential, unless the polynomial hierarchy collapses to a certain finite level. We report on numerical experiments to simulate the appearance of the quantum Godwin law in future quantum internets; the most amazing finding of our studies is that -- unlike quantum computational speedups -- the quantum Godwin effect is not only robust against noise, but actually enhanced by decoherence. We have as yet no theoretical explanation, nor a good application, for this astonishing behaviour, which we dub quantum hyperpiesia.

Evidence has continued to accumulate over the last few decades as to the existence and nature of dark matter. Depending on the particle candidate, the dark matter can exhibit one of several cosmologically defined models: hot dark matter, cold dark matter, warm dark matter, self-interacting dark matter, and fuzzy dark matter. In this paper I review the relevance and status of these models, whether it is possible for more than one of these models to each constitute some fraction of the dark matter, and discuss the prospects for determining if any of these models can successfully describe the properties and evolution of our own Universe.

We posit the existence of the Marshland within string theory. This region is the boundary between the landscape of consistent low-energy limits of quantum gravity, and the swampland of theories that cannot be embedded within string theory because they violate certain trendy and obviously uncontroversial conjectures. The Marshland is probably fractal, and we show some pretty pictures of fractals that will be useful in talks. We further show that the Marshland contains theories with a large number of light axions, allowing us to cite lots of our own papers. We show that the Marshland makes up most of the volume of the landscape, and admits a novel, weakly broken $\mathbb{Z}_2$ Marshymmetry that we find strong evidence for by considering a carefully crafted example.

Despite a previous description of his state as a stable fixed point, just past midnight this morning Mr. Boddy was murdered again. In fact, over 70 years Mr. Boddy has been reported murdered $10^6$ times, while there exist no documented attempts at intervention. Using variational data assimilation, we train a model of Mr. Boddy's dynamics on the time series of observed murders, to forecast future murders. The parameters to be estimated include instrument, location, and murderer. We find that a successful estimation requires three additional elements. First, to minimize the effects of selection bias, generous ranges are placed on parameter searches, permitting values such as the Cliff, the Poisoned Apple, and the Wife. Second, motive, which was not considered relevant to previous murders, is added as a parameter. Third, Mr. Boddy's little-known asthmatic condition is considered as an alternative cause of death. Following this morning's event, the next local murder is forecast for 17:19:03 EDT this afternoon, with a standard deviation of seven hours, at The Kitchen at 4330 Katonah Avenue, Bronx, NY, 10470, with either the Lead Pipe or the Lead Bust of Washington Irving. The motive is: Case of Mistaken Identity, and there was no convergence upon a murderer. Testing of the procedure's predictive power will involve catching the D train to 205th Street and a few transfers over to Katonah Avenue, and sitting around waiting with our eyes peeled. We discuss the problem of identifying a global solution - that is, the best reason for murder on a landscape riddled with pretty-decent reasons. We also discuss the procedure's assumption of Gaussian-distributed errors, which will under-predict rare events. This under-representation of highly improbable events may be offset by the fact that the training data, after all, consists of multiple murders of a single person.

In this paper we discuss an alternative track for migration that can explain the existence of Hot Jupiters observed in close orbits around their stars based on a novel interpretation of established work. We also discuss the population of sub-Earth rogue planets that would be created via this migration method, which would be on the order of 2 to 40 billion, many of which would still be present in the Galaxy and potentially detectable.

We describe the discovery of a new kind of radio transient, which we call "early-riser bursts" or ERBs. We found this new class of source by considering traditional radio searches, but extending into the complex plane of dispersion measure. ERBs have the remarkable property of appearing before they are searched for. We provide suggestions for the most likely origin of this new astronomical phenomenon.

A superweapon of modern physics superscribes a wide superset of phenomena, ranging from supernumerary rainbows to superfluidity and even possible supermultiplets.

Many previous authors have attempted to find explanations for Westeros's climate, characterized by a generally moderate, Earth-like climate punctuated by extremely long and cold winters, separated by thousands of years. One explanation that has been proposed is that the planet orbits in a Sitnikov configuration, where two equal-mass stars (or a star and a black hole) orbit each other on slightly eccentric orbits, and the planet moves along a line through the barycenter perpendicular to the primaries' orbital plane (Freistetter & Gr\"utzbauch 2018). We modify an intermediate-complexity GCM to include the effects of such an orbit and integrate it for thousands of years to determine whether such an orbit can a) be habitable and b) explain the climatic variations observed by the inhabitants of Westeros, in both double-star and star-black hole configurations. While configurations with low primary eccentricity and initial conditions that permit only small excursions from the ecliptic plane are habitable, these orbits are too stable to explain Westerosi climate. We find that while orbits with more bounded chaos are able to produce rare anomalously long and cold winters similar to Westeros's Long Night, huge variations in incident stellar flux on normal orbital timescales should render these planets uninhabitable. We note that the presence of an orbital megastructure, either around the planet or the barycenter, could block some of the sunlight during crossings of the primaries' orbital plane and preserve Westeros's habitability. While we find that bounded chaotic Sitnikov orbits are a viable explanation for Westeros's Long Night, we propose that chaotic variations of the planet's axial tilt or semimajor axis, potentially due to torques from nearby planets or stars, may be a more realistic explanation than Sitnikov orbits.

Fast radio bursts (FRBs) are, as the name implies, short and intense pulses of radiation at wavelengths of roughly one metre. FRBs have extremely high brightness temperatures, which points to a coherent source of radiation. The energy of a single burst ranges from $10^{36}$ to $10^{39}$ erg. At the high end of the energy range, FRBs have enough energy to unbind an earth-sized planet, and even at the low end, there is enough energy to vaporise and unbind the atmosphere and the oceans. We therefore propose that FRBs are signatures of an artificial terraformer, capable of eradicating life on another planet, or even destroy the planet entirely. The necessary energy can be harvested from Wolf-Rayet stars with a Dyson sphere ($\sim 10^{38}$ erg s$^{-1}$) , and the radiation can be readily produced by astrophysical masers. We refer to this mechanism as Volatile Amplification of a Destructive Emission of Radiation (VADER). We use the observational information to constrain the properties of the apparatus. We speculate that the non-repeating FRBs are low-energy pulses used to exterminate life on a single planet, but leaving it otherwise intact, and that the stronger repeating FRB is part of an effort to destroy multiple objects in the same solar system, perhaps as a preventative measure against panspermia. In this picture, the persistent synchrotron source associated with the first repeating FRB arises from the energy harvesting process. Finally we propose that Oumuamua might have resulted from a destruction of a planet in this manner.

Each year, countless hours of productive research time is spent brainstorming creative acronyms for surveys, simulations, codes, and conferences. We present ACRONYM, a command-line program developed specifically to assist astronomers in identifying the best acronyms for ongoing projects. The code returns all approximately-English-language words that appear within an input string of text, regardless of whether the letters occur at the beginning of the component words (in true astronomer fashion).

With the wealth of planets that have been discovered over the past $\sim$ 20 years, the field can broadly be divided into two regimes. For understanding broad occurrence and formation rates, large numbers of planets allow for population statistics to be calculated, and this work preferentially tends towards fainter planets (and fainter host stars) to allow for a large number of detections. The second regime is the detailed understanding of a single planet, with particular consideration to planetary structure and atmosphere, and in this case benefits from finding individual planets (and host stars) that are very close, and subsequently, very bright. The closest of these also provide very novel possibilities for exploration if they are close enough that travel time to them is relatively low, something that would be extremely unlikely for more distant planets. Here, we announce the independent discovery of a sub-earth planet orbiting in the habitable zone of a very close solar-mass star using a novel processing technique and observations from the Kilodegree Extremely Little Telescope (KELT).

"Winter is coming". As far as meteorological predictions go, the words of House Stark are both trivial and not very helpful for a scientific analysis to explain the chaotic sequence of the seasons in the world of "Game of Thrones". The natives of Westeros have failed to develop a feasible model to understand and predict the coming and duration of their winters. And although the scientists of Earth have brought forth many different mechanisms to explain the seasons, all of them are found wanting (at least by us). Nobody seems to have discovered the one and only true and working mechanism to explain the coming and going of winters on Westeros and thus it is up to us to introduce the world to the might of the often ignored Sitnikov problem. That very special configuration of two stars and one planet is ideally suited to explain everything that needs to be explained and uncover the real reason for the coming of winter.

Many rocky exoplanets are heavier and larger than Earth, so-called "Super-Earths". Some of these may be habitable, and a few may be inhabited by Super-Earthlings. Due to the higher surface gravity on these worlds, space-flight is much more challenging. We find that chemical rockets still allow for escape velocities on Super-Earths up to 10x Earth mass. Much heavier rocky worlds, if they exist, will require using up most of the planet as chemical fuel for the (one) launch, a rather risky undertaking. We also briefly discuss launching rockets from water worlds, which requires Alien megastructures.

We use a feed-forward artificial neural network with back-propagation through a single hidden layer to predict Barry Cottonfield's likely reply to this author's invitation to the "Once Upon a Daydream" junior prom at the Conard High School gymnasium back in 1997. To examine the network's ability to generalize to such a situation beyond specific training scenarios, we use a L2 regularization term in the cost function and examine performance over a range of regularization strengths. In addition, we examine the nonsensical decision-making strategies that emerge in Barry at times when he has recently engaged in a fight with his annoying kid sister Janice. To simulate Barry's inability to learn efficiently from large mistakes (an observation well documented by his algebra teacher during sophomore year), we choose a simple quadratic form for the cost function, so that the weight update magnitude is not necessary correlated with the magnitude of output error. Network performance on test data indicates that this author would have received an 87.2 (1)% chance of "Yes" given a particular set of environmental input parameters. Most critically, the optimal method of question delivery is found to be Secret Note rather than Verbal Speech. There also exists mild evidence that wearing a burgundy mini-dress might have helped. The network performs comparably for all values of regularization strength, which suggests that the nature of noise in a high school hallway during passing time does not affect much of anything. We comment on possible biases inherent in the output, implications regarding the functionality of a real biological network, and future directions. Over-training is also discussed, although the linear algebra teacher assures us that in Barry's case this is not possible.

Large time-domain surveys, when of sufficient scale, provide a greatly increased probability of detecting rare and, in many cases, unexpected events. Indeed, it is these unpredicted and previously unobserved objects that can lead to some of the greatest leaps in our understanding of the cosmos. The events that may be monitored include not only those that help contribute to our understanding of sources astrophysical variability, but may also extend to the discovery and characterization of civilizations comprised of other sentient lifeforms in the universe. In this paper we examine if the Large Synoptic Survey Telescope (LSST) will have the ability to detect the immediate and short-term effects of a concave dish composite beam superlaser being fired at an Earth analog from an alien megastructure.

While the costs of human violence have attracted a great deal of attention from the research community, the effects of the network-on-network (NoN) violence popularised by Generative Adversarial Networks have yet to be addressed. In this work, we quantify the financial, social, spiritual, cultural, grammatical and dermatological impact of this aggression and address the issue by proposing a more peaceful approach which we term Generative Unadversarial Networks (GUNs). Under this framework, we simultaneously train two models: a generator G that does its best to capture whichever data distribution it feels it can manage, and a motivator M that helps G to achieve its dream. Fighting is strictly verboten and both models evolve by learning to respect their differences. The framework is both theoretically and electrically grounded in game theory, and can be viewed as a winner-shares-all two-player game in which both players work as a team to achieve the best score. Experiments show that by working in harmony, the proposed model is able to claim both the moral and log-likelihood high ground. Our work builds on a rich history of carefully argued position-papers, published as anonymous YouTube comments, which prove that the optimal solution to NoN violence is more GUNs.

We present a functional model of neuronal network connectivity in which the single architectural element is the object commonly known in handicraft circles as a pipe cleaner. We argue that the dual nature of a neuronal circuit - that it be at times highly robust to external manipulation and yet sufficiently flexible to allow for learning and adaptation - is embodied in the pipe cleaner, and thus that a pipe cleaner framework serves as an instructive scaffold in which to examine network dynamics. Regarding the dynamics themselves: as pipe cleaners possess no intrinsic dynamics, in our model we attribute the emergent circuit dynamics to magic. Magic is a strategy that has been largely neglected in the neuroscience community, and may serve as an illuminating comparison to the common physics-based approaches. This model makes predictions that it would be really awesome to test experimentally. Moreover, the relative simplicity of the pipe cleaner - setting aside the fact that it comes in an overwhelming variety of colors - renders it an excellent theoretical building block with which to create simple network models. Also, they are incredibly cheap when bought wholesale on Amazon.

Deviations of the observed cosmic microwave background (CMB) from the standard model, known as "anomalies", are obviously highly significant and deserve to be pursued more aggressively in order to discover the physical phenomena underlying them. Through intensive investigation we have discovered that there are equally surprising features in the digits of the number $\pi$, and moreover there is a remarkable correspondence between each type of peculiarity in the digits of $\pi$ and the anomalies in the CMB. Putting aside the unreasonable possibility that these are just the sort of flukes that appear when one looks hard enough, the only conceivable conclusion is that, however the CMB anomalies were created, a similar process imprinted patterns in the digits of $\pi$.

The last two decades have seen the number of known exoplanets increase from a small handful to nearly 2000 known exoplanets, thousands more planet candidates, and several upcoming missions that are expected to further increase the population of known exoplanets. Beyond the strictly scientific questions that this has led to regarding planet formation and frequency, this has also led to broader questions such as the philosophical implications of life elsewhere in the universe and the future of human civilization and space exploration. One additional realm that hasn't been adequately considered, however, is that this large increase in exoplanets would also impact claims regarding astrology. In this paper we look at the distribution of planets across the sky and along the Ecliptic, as well as the current and future implications of this planet distribution.

Since its discovery in 1930, Pluto's mass has been a value that has repeatedly been calculated. Additionally, the search for Planet X prior to Pluto's discovery results in mass calculations that date back several decades earlier. Over its observed history, the mass of Pluto has consistently decreased. We reassess earlier predictions of Pluto's fate, and rule out the hypothesis that Pluto's mass has been constant over the last century. We are able to fit linear and quadratic equations to Pluto's mass as a function of both time and distance. The observations that will be made by New Horizons will help to determine if we can expect Pluto to continue to shrink until it has negative mass, or if it will begin to increase in mass again.

Some of the most obviously correct physical theories - namely string theory and the multiverse - make no testable predictions, leading many to question whether we should accept something as scientific even if it makes no testable predictions and hence is not refutable. However, some far-thinking physicists have proposed instead that we should give up on the notion of Falsifiability itself. We endorse this suggestion but think it does not go nearly far enough. We believe that we should also dispense with other outdated ideas, such as Fidelity, Frugality, Factuality and other "F" words. And we quote a lot of famous people to support this view.

Recent microwave polarization measurements from the BICEP2 experiment may reveal a long-sought signature of inflation. However, these new results appear inconsistent with the best-fit model from the Planck satellite. We suggest a particularly simple idea for reconciling these data-sets, and for explaining a wide range of phenomena on the cosmic microwave sky.

Those that do not sow care little about such mundane things as equinoxes or planting seasons, or even crop rotation for that matter. Wherever and whenever the reavers reave, the mood is always foul and the nights are never warm or pleasant. For the rest of the good folks of Westeros, however, a decent grasp of the long-term weather forecast is a necessity. Many a maester have tried to play the Game of Weather Patterns and foretell when to plant those last turnip seeds, hoping for a few more years of balmy respite. Tried and failed. For other than the somewhat vague (if not outright meaningless) omens of "Winter is Coming", their meteorological efforts have been worse than useless. To right that appalling wrong, here we attempt to explain the apparently erratic seasonal changes in the world of G.R.R.M. A natural explanation for such phenomena is the unique behavior of a circumbinary planet. Thus, by speculating that the planet under scrutiny is orbiting a pair of stars, we utilize the power of numerical three-body dynamics to predict that, unfortunately, it is not possible to predict either the length, or the severity of any coming winter. We conclude that, alas, the Maesters were right -- one can only throw their hands in the air in frustration and, defeated by non-analytic solutions, mumble "Coming winter? May be long and nasty (~850 days, T<268K) or may be short and sweet (~600 days, T~273K). Who knows..."

Based on the cosmological results of the Planck Mission, we show that all parameters describing our Universe within the \Lambda CDM model can be constructed from a small set of numbers known from conspiracy theory. Our finding is confirmed by recent data from high energy particle physics. This clearly demonstrates that our Universe is a plot initiated by an unknown interest group or lodge. We analyse possible scenarios for this conspiracy, and conclude that the belief in the existence of our Universe is an illusion, as previously assumed by ancient philosophers, 20th century science fiction authors and contemporary film makers.

Existing and future wide-field photometric surveys will produce a time-lapse movie of the sky that will revolutionize our census of variable and moving astronomical and atmospheric phenomena. As with any revolution in scientific measurement capability, this new species of data will also present us with results that are sure to surprise and confound our understanding of the cosmos. While we cannot predict the unknown yields of such endeavors, it is a beneficial exercise to explore certain parameter spaces using reasonable assumptions for rates and observability. To this end I present a simple parameterized model of the detectability of unidentified flying objects (UFOs) with the Large Synoptic Survey Telescope (LSST). I also demonstrate that the LSST is well suited to place the first systematic constraints on the rate of UFO and extraterrestrial visits to our world.

The first search is reported for direct heffalon production, using 23.3/fb per experiment of delivered integrated luminosity of proton-proton collisions at rootS = 8TeV from the Large Hadron Collider. The data were recorded with the ATLAS and the CMS detectors. Each exotic composite is assumed to be stable on the detector lifetime (tau >> ns). A particularly striking signature is expected. No signal events are observed after event selection. The cross section for heffalon production is found to be less than 64ab at the 95% confidence level.

A pareidolic conjecture for the Fermi Large Area Telescope.

We report a non-detection, to a limiting magnitude of V = 18.4 (9), of the elusive entity commonly described as the Tooth Fairy. We review various physical models and conclude that follow-up observations must precede an interpretation of our result.

I present here a measurement of pi as determined for the largest observable circles. Intriguingly, the value of 16/5 asserted by the House of Representatives of the State of Indiana in 1897 is still viable, although strongly disfavored relative to 22/7, another popular value. The oft-used `small-circle' value of 3 is ruled out at greater than 5\sigma. We discuss connections with string theory, sterile neutrinos, and possibilities for (very large) lower limits to the size of the Universe.

A way to fight your traffic tickets. The paper was awarded a special prize of $400 that the author did not have to pay to the state of California. In view of enormous, extremely surprising and completely unexpected public interest to this work, we have added an appendix answering the two most common questions.

Statistically anomalous signals in the microwave background have been extensively studied in general in multipole space, and in real space mainly for circular and other simple patterns. In this paper we search for a range of non-trivial patterns in the temperature data from WMAP 7-year observations. We find a very significant detection of a number of such features and discuss their consequences for the essential character of the cosmos.

We analyze correlations between the first letter of the name of an author and the number of citations their papers receive. We look at simple mean counts, numbers of highly-cited papers, and normalized h-indices, by letter. To our surprise, we conclude that orthographically senior authors produce a better body of work than their colleagues, despite some evidence of discrimination against them.

We have identified a new class of galaxy cluster using data from the Galaxy Zoo project. These clusters are rare, and thus have apparently gone unnoticed before, despite their unusual properties. They appear especially anomalous when the morphological properties of their component galaxies are considered. Their identification therefore depends upon the visual inspection of large numbers of galaxies, a feat which has only recently been made possible by Galaxy Zoo, together with the Sloan Digital Sky Survey. We present the basic properties of our cluster sample, and discuss possible formation scenarios and implications for cosmology.

We examine the time variation of a previously-uninvestigated fundamental dimensionless constant. Constraints are placed on this time variation using historical measurements. A model is presented for the time variation, and it is shown to lead to an accelerated expansion for the universe. Directions for future research are discussed.

Evidence for cosmic down-sizing has been growing over the last decade. It is now clear that the major star-forming epoch for the largest galaxies occurred earlier than for smaller galaxies. This not only runs counter to the popular hierarchical clustering picture, but points to an even more radical revision of our ideas of the evolution of cosmological structure. Galaxies do not form at all.

It is now well accepted that both Dark Matter and Dark Energy are required in any successful cosmological model. Although there is ample evidence that both Dark components are necessary, the conventional theories make no prediction for the contributions from each of them. Moreover, there is usually no intrinsic relationship between the two components, and no understanding of the nature of the mysteries of the Dark Sector. Here we suggest that if the Dark Side is so seductive then we should not be restricted to just 2 components. We further suggest that the most natural model has 5 distinct forms of Dark Energy in addition to the usual Dark Matter, each contributing precisely equally to the cosmic energy density budget.

The now standard vanilla-flavoured LambdaCDM model has gained further confirmation with the release of the 3-year WMAP data combined with several other cosmological data-sets. As the parameters of this standard model become known with increasing precision, more of its bizarre features become apparent. Here we describe some of the strangest of these ostensible coincidences. In particular we appear to live (within 1sigma) at the precise epoch when the age of the Universe multiplied by the Hubble parameter H_0 t_0 = 1.

We present a new analysis of the irrelevance of Lunar and Planetary Laboratory (LPL) graduate students at the University of Arizona. Based on extensive Monte Carlo simulations we find that the actual number of useful results from LPL graduate students is $0\pm0.01 (5\sigma)$. Their irrelevance quotient far surpasses that of string theorists.

LPL dominance over Steward is demonstrated through several lines of evidence including observations and modelling of previous April Fools day behavior. The decrease in Steward coolness is attributed to the departure of interesting graduate students from Steward that enrolled at LPL.